Cannibal's Kitchen: That's Not Chicken

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am bringing out one of my favorite past stories.

 

Cannibal’s Kitchen

(That's Not Chicken)

by Lisa McCourt Hollar

 

 

“Okay, are we all set? The frequency scramblers are repaired? I don’t want a repeat of last week. The police are getting better at tracking our reception; the last thing we need is for them to be swarming in before we’re gone. Alright then, let’s go! On three, two, one…”

 

“Hi and welcome to Cannibal’s Kitchen! My name is Thomas and I am your host. With us we have the famous East End Slayer. Welcome to the show! How are you tonight?”

 

“I am FANTASTIC Tom! This mask is a little suffocating, but I’m glad to be here.”

 

“The price we have to pay for anonymity. Society still frowns on our particular appetite.”

 

“Those intolerant bastards!”

 

“I couldn’t agree more. Now, what do you have for us tonight?”

 

“Well Tom, if you watched the news tonight you will have heard that a buxom young belle by the name of Deidra is missing.”

 

“I do recall hearing that. There is concern she may be the latest victim of the East End Slayer.”

 

“Their concern would not be without merit Tom. You know, one of the things I am looking for in a good dish is seasonality and sustainability. Now we see nice breasts all year long, but in the spring we are overrun by these perky and tasty delectable’s. This is the ideal time of the year to entertain your guests with a perfectly prepared stuffed breast.”

 

“I am a breast man.”

 

“As am I. Now look at these; I discovered these beauties marinating on a beach in a nice coconut oil. What made them even more appealing is that they are one-hundred percent real.”

 

“Amazing!”

 

“I know. These days it’s rare to find a breast that hasn’t been filled with saline. I’m sure most of us know how that can spoil the taste of what should be a nice, deliciously juicy breast.”

 

“I know I do and it’s not anything I ever want to taste again. Now what exactly are you doing?”

 

“I have prepared a mixture of spinach, artichoke and cheese with a few tablespoons of diced eyeballs.”

 

“Diced eyeballs?”

 

“It really adds flavor Tom. I’m going to slice into the breasts right along here and spoon in the mixture.”

 

“This is really going to be delicious.”

 

“Yes it is. Okay, now we are going to season them a little and bake at 375 for about an hour. Now, while they are baking we have time to prepare some liver and kidney hors d’oeuvre. These are good anytime of the year, all you need is a frying pan, flour, eggs and whatever spice you prefer. I like mine to have a little kick.”

 

“Sounds wonderful! If any of our viewers would like the recipe, it can be found on our website. We are out of time. Stay tuned for Endangered Species Café and remember, a good meal is as close as your neighbor.”

 

“Okay, that’s a rap! Now let’s pack up and get outa here before the police arrive.”