Friday, November 26, 2010

Demented Christmas

For my first blog, and since Thanksgiving is over and the Christmas Season is underway...

Demented Christmas

It was the middle of summer at the North Pole
And Santa Claus's elves were far from their goal.
Santa was a slave driver who always had a whip,
And the slave driven elves were afraid that he'd flip.

Why just the other day, Santa ordered them on track,
Then to show that he meant it, chained Victor to the rack.
He'd turned the wheel and tightened the rack,
Causing pain to shoot, throughout Victor's back.

Then once again, Santa turned it once more,
And from his body, the elf’s legs were torn.
Now Vic's in a chair, no legs to stand up,
If he falls behind, on his arms they will sup.

But no matter how hard the poor elves tried,
They couldn't keep up, and poor Vic would be fried.
The stress from the job caused them worry and pain,
And some of the elves were driven insane.

Duey, the elf in charge of the dolls,
Ripped off a head and threw it at Paul.
Paul, who was tired, at the end of his rope,
Lost it as his kaleidoscope broke.

Beads from the toy, spilled onto the floor
And the two angry elves started a war.
Paul threw himself on top of Huey,
Pounding his head while yelling

Huey's head busted in two,
Splattering blood onto Sue's shoes.
Sue had always been a high maintenance elf
And spent a lot of time grooming herself.

The sight of Huey's blood on top of her shoes,
 Caused the vain elf to blow a short fuse.
She was in charge of stuffing the bears,
And began ripping off all of their ears.

She then fed the ears to the murderous Paul,
Making him eat not one ear, but all.
Paul, who was stuffed full of bears ears,
Grabbed hold of Sue and broke a few mirrors.

He smashed her face into the glass
And told her she had a fat, lumpy ass.
Sue fell back on her behind,
Blood in her eyes making her blind.

But Sue could hear Paul off to the side
And with broken glass in hand, paid him in kind.
She ripped his eyes from out of his head,
Just as poor Ted was heading to bed.

She bounced his eyes onto the floor,
Causing Ted to slip on the gore.
Ted grabbed hold of a candy cane
And turning to Sue, he took his aim.

He threw the candy cane at the vengeful Sue,
Aiming for her heart, but instead hitting Stu.
The force of Ted's throw caused it to sink
Into Stu’s brain before he could blink.

Stu fell over, landing on Sue,
The force of the fall flinging Sue's shoe.
The tiny elf shoe flew through the air,
Landing on Ted's head as the other elves stared.

The heel of her shoe had pierced his head,
And Ted fell on the floor, another elf dead.
Santa ran in to try and stop the fight,
A whip in his hand to show them his might.

The elves who were left standing in the room,
Were tired of Santa and singing his tune.
They were tired of working from morning 'till night,
While he got the glory on his Christmas flight.

Besides they knew, he didn't do it for kids,
But for the wealth he received from all of the bids.
Santa was good for the toy stores
And they paid him well to promote their toy wars.

Because of course Santa can't do it all in one night
And only hit a few countries on his yearly flight.
Parents not wanting their children left out,
Buy out the stores, so their children won't pout.

And to produce the toys for the homes where he flew,
He'd enslaved those elves, and some elves he slew.
They were tired of his whip and tired of fear,
And some of these elves were hungry for deer.

For the deer played a part in the cruelty they faced,
Because each elf he killed, the deer got a taste.
For reindeer don't eat only oats and hay,
For they also had Vin’s feet, just yesterday.

Santa raised his whip, to show them their place,
But the elves turned on him, and slashed at his face.
They pulled him to the ground and tore him apart,
And Vincent reached in and ripped out his heart.

Mrs. Claus ran when she'd seen what they'd done,
But the elves went after her, wanting some fun.
Like a piƱata they strung her up,
Each taking a turn to swat at her rump.

Finally she broke, and spilled on the floor,
All of her guts,
oh what gore!
They made a feast of Santa and his wife,
For forcing them into this kind of life.

Then when they were done and full of their meal,
They contacted the toy makers to make a new deal.
Christmas would continue, as it had been before,
But with Santa Claus dead, the elves ran the store.

They claimed Santa retired, along with his wife,
Off to Bermuda to live the high life.
The Reindeer kept quiet about what happened that night,
Since they didn't want to end up under the knife.

And the elves continued building toys for kids,
while toy stores world round continued their bids.
Copywrite 2010 by Lisa McCourt Hollar 


  1. Remind me not to visit this Santa's home for Christmas. Congratulations on your new blog. I wish you much joy and look forward to reading your posts. :-)

  2. I love this. I love this so much. You're my hero. Have my babies.